| | swept up in a whirlwind of feelings of inadequacies, mindless confusion, and torn by different desires and feelings of the heart, i guess you can say that the past few days weren't so great for me.
it started out with going to an info meeting about med school. hearing the cold hard facts of admission statistics and seeing all these numbers dealing with test scores, grades, and financial needs placed me in a state of panic and nausea. i knew this quarter wasn't so great for me and that i wasn't getting as good of grades as i usually did. my confidence was shattered and i began to doubt my ability to succeed in school, and get to where i wanted to be. no matter how many people tried to console me or laugh that my idea of failing was getting a B, i couldn't find the motivation again to study or believe that i could actually be good enough to still be pre-med, compared to all the crazy smart kids out there.
then after that, it was the struggle of figuring out what singleness meant. i hate that i don't know what i want, and the possibility that i might actually be driven by fear or clouded with all those annoying "what ifs."
needless to say, it was a very tough last few days. succumbing to these dark thoughts, a sense of depression and lack of drive began to settle on me. proverbs 3:5-6 was repeated to me so many times, but i never knew trusting God could be so hard. it was amazing to see how God was testing my ability to really follow and act out what i've been teaching to my small group girls or connexion. was i able to retain a greater hope amidst all these trying circumstances? was i able to keep my eyes focused on Him and not depend on the stability of the things in my life in order to be faithful?
i realized what i really needed to learn to have was JOY.
as a wise friend just told me this week:
"joy is not a fleeting emotion, feeling of ecstatic euphoria or momentary satisfaction. Rather it is a bi-product a life spent in worthy pursuit and the knowledge that our pleasure is shared with God's. Joy is lost when our lives are swept up in all the little things that pull us in every which direction, and when our efforts culminate to waste and empty fruition."
my life was beginning to be tossed and turned by all these different things, and i wasn't keeping my eyes and heart centered on my Lord.
today, i think i started to figure out what joy and being satisfied with God meant.
it was a beautiful day and i decided to read on the lawn by royce. reading on the grass with the warm sun on me, and just being outside is a rare occurence for me.
i was a little upset at having forgotten my bible, since i love doing my devos outside. but i think in a way, God wanted me to really learn what it meant to be still and know that He is God.
being still.
that's such a hard concept for me to grasp. i'm constantly driven by the need to DO something. even if i have a half hour break, i have to spend it doing something productive or else i won't be able to have peace.
but today as i decided to take a break and just look up at the sky, i was blown away by just staring at the sky and seeing its beams shoot through the leaves of a tree.
suddenly i was just filled with this incredible presence and satisfaction, just being where i was.
it was like nothing else mattered but that intimate moment with Him.
and in that brief moment, i finally understood what joy felt like. that no matter how crappy of a situation i'm in, or how hopeless i'm feeling, i have the understanding and knowledge that there is something greater going on. Someone bigger than me who knows exactly where i'm going, who i am, and how i'm going to get there. and Someone who won't ever stop loving me for who i am.
then afterwards, a HUGE wind blew in, bowling me over with its might. people around me were screaming, or muttering in frustration at having the tree pollen fly into their face.
i just sat there and laughed.
i laughed because i always thought of the wind as God's presence for me. just the way that the wind is unseen yet so powerful, and stirs things up reminds me of how i feel God's overwhelming Spirit.
in a way i thought of the strong winds as God's way of telling me that He's a wind who's powerful enough to be sovereign, but who can also be a gentle breeze quietly reminding me to remain in Him.
while the warm breeze wrapped around everything and made the trees bow at its force, i knew that in those moments, God was holding me tight in His arms and hugging me with as much might as He could; reminding me that i am HIS. and that nothing could EVER take that away.
i'm glad i've found this joy.
i'm glad that i've found Him once again.
|
| | Posted 5/7/2009 2:13 AM - 19 Views - 8 eProps - 5 comments
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
LOVE YA LOTS!!!