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| summertime is the hardest time.for weeks now i've been intending to make my xanga come-back with an insightful post about why i hate the word "religious," and reference to what i've been studying in jeremiah <EXCELLENT book by the way. love the presence of both God's holy wrath and merciful heart for His people. and the ever present hint of the gospel>. unfortunately, the summer plague of procrastination has hit me and i've lost all motivation to blog about my original epiphanies.
thus it seemed fitting to instead blog about the struggles that summertime brings. i've decided to make it bullet point so i remember what i've covered and prevent myself from rambling.
1. summertime is the most difficult and confusing season. why? because you spend all school year anticipating it, and after a week or two, you become sick of it.
2. summertime is the time where you make all these goals and new hobbies you want to accomplish, yet somehow never find the time to do them or complete them because you're too busy doing...nothing. somehow the knowledge of knowing you'll have plenty of time to do things prevents you from actually doing it.
3. last summer, i went crazy having too little to do. this summer, i'm going slightly crazy having too much to do. i somehow always miss the middle road of sanity.
4. summertime is when i have time to sit and reflect on where my life is going. instead of constantly studying and involving myself in school activities, i finally get to sit and have "oh crap. what am i doing with my life?" running through my mind 24/7, inciting further panic and stress about what to do for the next two years of college and how to prepare for medical school. originally was going to take the mcats this summer, but i don't think i have the motivation or diligence to prepare for it in time.
5. summer is also when i assume i have plenty of time to commit to more activities, eventually overcomitting myself <as usual> and getting lectures from my parents about becoming more focused and sacrificing priorities, for more important priorities. but it's hard when all my priorities are ones that i think are unable to be compromised.
6. most importantly, i think my spiritual life suffers the most during the summer. no longer am i constantly surrounded by accountability, no longer am i getting fed as much as i did in school, and no longer am i having people who live around me push me to have a gospel-centered heart. in the summer, the balance once again tips towards me serving more, instead of being served more, resulting in a sense of false spiritual security and justification for not spending enough personal time with God. i have to say, preparing for missions is also tougher when i'm not going with a team that i'm familiar with, and one that i can meet up with weekly to lift up the country and trip in prayer.
but despite all these things that summertime brings, I think God has definitely shown me that He never changes no matter the season. He's shown up EVERYWHERE, even in my volunteer work. i've been blessed to meet a new Christian who has accepted Christ in the hospital as his life became endangered and his fears took over his mind. The first day I met him, we had such a good conversation as he shared his struggles and his testimony. As I stood there and prayed for him, and watched these tears come out of a strong man's eyes, I knew that God put me on that nursing floor for a reason. Even if I didn't get to see anything cool, even if I wasn't impressing the doctors or nurses, I knew that God put me there to encourage and support that man. For the past few days I've seen him obtain more joy and hope and a hunger for the Word, as he eagerly awaits his departure from the hospital so he can prove to his wife and kids what a Christian man is like. I love that his new neighbor is also a Christian, and that between us three I can sense the Spirit just moving and transforming lives. I love that his neighbor, who has been inflicted with numerous illnesses and also found God on a hospital bed, spent an hour today evangelizing to the other volunteer. Watching those two men and everything that they're going through has blessed me IMMENSELY. the mission field is wherever I go, and God saves and uses whoever He chooses.
God is good.
ALL the time.
even summertime.
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| a conversation with my momi guess it was an amusing study break.
iwongdb (11:47:57 PM): hello em ME loveSpidey (11:48:01 PM): hi iwongdb (11:48:21 PM): i watched X-men with dad tonite! em ME loveSpidey (11:48:11 PM): how was it? em ME loveSpidey (11:48:14 PM): didd you fall asleep iwongdb (11:48:57 PM): hahah, this time is dad snored a little bit and i stayed awake the WHOLE time  iwongdb (11:49:59 PM): action, violent movie, but clear and good story about human evil nature, with some description of love in human heart! iwongdb (11:51:27 PM): did u watch it? em ME loveSpidey (11:51:22 PM): nope em ME loveSpidey (11:51:25 PM): i haven't watched any movies for a while iwongdb (11:52:01 PM): 1 reminder, when I walked i the theatre bathroom at late nite, i had a freaky feeling.... iwongdb (11:56:21 PM): i was the only lady walked in, then 1 door was closed...... I regreted not to check the "feet" first before rushing in, then a thought came to my mind, "what if that's a man !!!!!". I hurry to finish pepe and rush out.... Emme, next time, please watch out and be careful not to go BR alone when going for late movie, right? iwongdb (11:56:23 PM): hello iwongdb (11:57:01 PM): no movie for long?? but that is ok, set priority straight..... but u watched lots of movie on-line. iwongdb (11:58:25 PM): did u watch Kris Allen tonite? hello...... em ME loveSpidey (11:58:55 PM): who's kris allen iwongdb (11:59:34 PM): Champ of Amer Idol of the 8th season, he is hot and cute... em ME loveSpidey (12:00:08 AM): uhhhh em ME loveSpidey (12:00:09 AM): MOM em ME loveSpidey (12:00:12 AM): THAT IS SO DISTURBING iwongdb (12:00:43 AM): disturb about what? em ME loveSpidey (12:00:36 AM): YOU CAN"T SAY THAT iwongdb (12:00:58 AM): what? em ME loveSpidey (12:00:48 AM): since when do u watch american idol iwongdb (12:01:22 AM): I do not get what u mean em ME loveSpidey (12:01:22 AM): YOU CAN"T SAY THAT iwongdb (12:01:57 AM): say that? what is "that"? em ME loveSpidey (12:01:53 AM): HOT AND CUTE iwongdb (12:02:13 AM): agism? em ME loveSpidey (12:02:23 AM): NO em ME loveSpidey (12:02:25 AM): iNAPPROPRIATE em ME loveSpidey (12:02:36 AM): you are causing me to stumble mommy iwongdb (12:03:09 AM): ok ok , if i say "handsom" then are u happy iwongdb (12:03:38 AM): of course, i am a cool mom to keep entertaining my kids, to make them happy... | | |
| undignified.thursday night. 12am.
just got back from bowling outing with aacf.
and what's the first thing on me and clement's mind?
call up those who joined us in a midnight outdoor worship session so we could do it again.
there's something about being outside an abandoned dorm building. something about being in a location that people walk by. something about a group of people from different fellowships getting together for the purpose of giving Him the glory through our musical expressions.
through harmonies and melodies, chords and song, prayers and shouts of praise, i felt as if our praise floated above our bodies and poured out into heaven. i prayed that the pleasure that God received and glory given to Him would pour down onto our campus, into our dorms, into students' lives.
today jeanelle had the brilliant idea and vision of seeing worshippers fill the rieber patio with undignified and joyful dancing. when she suggested that and pulled us up to our feet, a few of us were hesitant and wondered whether or not we weren't taking worship seriously.
but that was the point.
to be so undignified and so foolish looking and seemingly drunk, and yet so exhilarated and filled with complete freedom in worshipping our God the Father.
we jumped around, shouted to the top of our lungs, twirled around, and laughed like maniacs.
but we knew. we knew that chains were being broken, that our spirits were being lifted, and that this unhindered reckless abandon is EXACTLY what brings a smile to His face.
and while we knew that we looked like idiots, prancing around and singing songs about Jesus, still some people were drawn by it and decided to sit nearby, smoke and listen.
God gave us an INCREDIBLE opportunity to meet two people we never would have ventured up to. and while the conversations were brief and were mainly about school, i will never forget the look in their eyes when we told them we were having a time of worship. they were taken aback, surprised, and then commented about how cool it looked and seemed. a hint of curiosity was also evident.
if only we had more time to talk to them, but i guess God works in surprising ways. nevertheless, i'm so thankful and blessed to have a group of believers to have this passion in worshipping and exclaiming about His love and His awesomeness. i love that we are from different fellowships and that it doesn't matter which one we're from, as long as we're bonded together by our faith and devotion to Him.
He is good, and His love endures.
always. :)
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| joy.swept up in a whirlwind of feelings of inadequacies, mindless confusion, and torn by different desires and feelings of the heart, i guess you can say that the past few days weren't so great for me.
it started out with going to an info meeting about med school. hearing the cold hard facts of admission statistics and seeing all these numbers dealing with test scores, grades, and financial needs placed me in a state of panic and nausea. i knew this quarter wasn't so great for me and that i wasn't getting as good of grades as i usually did. my confidence was shattered and i began to doubt my ability to succeed in school, and get to where i wanted to be. no matter how many people tried to console me or laugh that my idea of failing was getting a B, i couldn't find the motivation again to study or believe that i could actually be good enough to still be pre-med, compared to all the crazy smart kids out there.
then after that, it was the struggle of figuring out what singleness meant. i hate that i don't know what i want, and the possibility that i might actually be driven by fear or clouded with all those annoying "what ifs."
needless to say, it was a very tough last few days. succumbing to these dark thoughts, a sense of depression and lack of drive began to settle on me. proverbs 3:5-6 was repeated to me so many times, but i never knew trusting God could be so hard. it was amazing to see how God was testing my ability to really follow and act out what i've been teaching to my small group girls or connexion. was i able to retain a greater hope amidst all these trying circumstances? was i able to keep my eyes focused on Him and not depend on the stability of the things in my life in order to be faithful?
i realized what i really needed to learn to have was JOY.
as a wise friend just told me this week:
"joy is not a fleeting emotion, feeling of ecstatic euphoria or momentary satisfaction. Rather it is a bi-product a life spent in worthy pursuit and the knowledge that our pleasure is shared with God's. Joy is lost when our lives are swept up in all the little things that pull us in every which direction, and when our efforts culminate to waste and empty fruition."
my life was beginning to be tossed and turned by all these different things, and i wasn't keeping my eyes and heart centered on my Lord.
today, i think i started to figure out what joy and being satisfied with God meant.
it was a beautiful day and i decided to read on the lawn by royce. reading on the grass with the warm sun on me, and just being outside is a rare occurence for me.
i was a little upset at having forgotten my bible, since i love doing my devos outside. but i think in a way, God wanted me to really learn what it meant to be still and know that He is God.
being still.
that's such a hard concept for me to grasp. i'm constantly driven by the need to DO something. even if i have a half hour break, i have to spend it doing something productive or else i won't be able to have peace.
but today as i decided to take a break and just look up at the sky, i was blown away by just staring at the sky and seeing its beams shoot through the leaves of a tree.
suddenly i was just filled with this incredible presence and satisfaction, just being where i was.
it was like nothing else mattered but that intimate moment with Him.
and in that brief moment, i finally understood what joy felt like. that no matter how crappy of a situation i'm in, or how hopeless i'm feeling, i have the understanding and knowledge that there is something greater going on. Someone bigger than me who knows exactly where i'm going, who i am, and how i'm going to get there. and Someone who won't ever stop loving me for who i am.
then afterwards, a HUGE wind blew in, bowling me over with its might. people around me were screaming, or muttering in frustration at having the tree pollen fly into their face.
i just sat there and laughed.
i laughed because i always thought of the wind as God's presence for me. just the way that the wind is unseen yet so powerful, and stirs things up reminds me of how i feel God's overwhelming Spirit.
in a way i thought of the strong winds as God's way of telling me that He's a wind who's powerful enough to be sovereign, but who can also be a gentle breeze quietly reminding me to remain in Him.
while the warm breeze wrapped around everything and made the trees bow at its force, i knew that in those moments, God was holding me tight in His arms and hugging me with as much might as He could; reminding me that i am HIS. and that nothing could EVER take that away.
i'm glad i've found this joy.
i'm glad that i've found Him once again.
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| truth and love - ramblesi knew i said that i was gonna keep writing about the topic of truth and love. but i think i've either lost my train of thought, or have just let the topic seep into my life instead of trying to convince others why it's important. but i guess i'll write about what's been going through my mind lately, just from reading the Bible and having conversations with other people.
it is interesting to note though, that many of the scriptures that speak of love either have truth in it or mention something about it. i know this is just a mere inkling of everything that's said about love and truth in the bible, but i guess these are the ones that stand out to me the most <or the ones i marked up vividly in my bible>.
"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." - 1 corinthians 13:7 <i also LOVE how this chapter mentions that you could be the holiest person alive with all these spiritual gifts, but if you don't have love it all amounts to NOTHING.>
"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ" - Ephesians 4:15
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." - Ephesians 5:1-2
"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ.." - philippians 1:9-10
"Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart." - 1 peter 1:22
"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth" - 1 john 3:18
the difficult question lies in how to find that balance between the two extremes and understand how to combine truth and love. a group of strong believers can have every intention to care for and encourage others, but if an individual would rather go to a weaker believers who are more approachable and loving, does it matter that the stronger ones have a better grasp of the truth?
on the other hand, just because a group of believers have better and stronger relationships with one another, but does not aim for the truth together, does it matter that they have a better grasp of what loving others mean? if there is no Christ-centered relationships, does that mean they actually do understand how to truly love others and be united?
i really like this piano analogy from A.W. Tozer, about how if people individually wholeheartedly seek thet truth, they are more united than if they just tried building relationships with everyone in their church.
"has it ever occured to you that one hundreed pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? they are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to one standard to which each one must individually bow. so one hundred worshippers met together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possible be were they to become "unity" conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship."
i was really convicted by this, because for so long i focused so much on just building up unity and fellowship, whether in the church or in my fellowship. but the one thing i neglected to see was the importance of our INDIVIDUAL relationships with God, and our individual attitudes in striving towards sanctification. too often we try to do different things to build bonds, but then we forget to also affirm the importance of seeing TRUTH manifest itself in our own lives. still, it's important to remember that it's not just people's spiritual lives we're trying to guide or control, but their PERSONAL lives as well. so accountability isn't just jumping down people's throats when we see them doing something wrong, but to really build up a loving and trusting relationship with them.
"We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." - 1 thessalonians 2:8
it's not enough to just share the truth. share your LIFE. share your struggles, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, frustrations, joys, praises, thanksgivings, requests, hopes, dreams, inspirations, revelations, and whatever else you can think of. because truth revels in authenticity and in breaking down walls.
my prayer is that we all seek to find that balance. to not be a condemning or judgemental christian, but not be a ashamed and timid one either.
let's not just be christians either.
let's be DISCIPLES of the ONE who made truth and love for what it is.
this is a reminder for myself too.
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