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| finals are OVER and this is my third day of freedom :) while waiting for everyone to finish up their finals, i decided to use my time to volunteer a couple more shifts at care extenders, working at the Peds department. i'm so glad i decided to use those free days to volunteer because i finally worked at a time when the kids were awake and were able to play in the playroom. the past two days and 12 hours volunteering were yes, tiring, but also brought me a lot of joy. even though i knew i wasn't doing much, i loved serving the families and patients, even if that meant doing little unrecognizable actions such as cleaning up after them or choosing certain dvds i knew the kids would like to watch so the parents could relax.
the past two weeks i've been contemplating a lot about why i serve, and why it seems so often that i burn out or get frustrated easily. i've realized this quarter that i'm very performance oriented, and maybe in some ways legalistic in my christian actions. that i do all these things and ministry in a way to prove my own righteousness instead of as a form of worship or response to the life-changing gospel i have received. in some more self-reflection, i've come to the conclusion that my selfishness even permeates my ministry and ways i supposedly "serve" others.
a few of my friends have jokingly made the comment that i like to bring attention to myself. often times i've just laughed along or denied it and made a joke out of it as well. but the more i think about it, the more that i realized maybe they were trying to tell me something. i guess in my effort to cover up my lack of height and stature, i've built up the tendency to want to command attention through my extreme personality and strange antics. but then i realized, maybe the motivation for me to serve sometimes is not only to prove i'm "good" enough, but also to stand out, be recognized, and in essence, serve for my own glory.
through this epiphany, all these questions started running through my mind. do i do seemingly selfless actions just so people can make it a big deal and thank me profusely? do i serve so that i could have a certain title or see my name on a website or church bulletin? do i go out of my way for a certain person and do a favor for them just so i could be guaranteed that they would do the same for me later?
basically, i started feeling pretty stupid. i didn't beat myself up like i usually do, but it did get me thinking about my real motives and intentions. then it started making sense that the reason i'd get easily exasperated or burdened during ministry was because i wasn't feeling recognized enough or appreciated enough. but the point is, it's not about me..it's not about my glory..it's not about who sees me do what.
so i've decided to try to serve more, "secretly" as you will. where i do things not for myself, not for recognition or reciprocation, but for His glory first and foremost. well, so maybe it doesn't have to be secret all the time...but at least begin to change my mentality about things. but the hard thing is getting from realization to really changing my attitude. but now i hope that me not wanting recognization or glory and simply being humble isn't going to turn into a display of "fake humility" ever.
sigh..too much thinking involved. | | |
| last thursday AACF's juniors and seniors had an ice skating class hangout. i have to say it was quite fun and relaxing, and afterwards when talking to my roommate about it a lightbulb turned on and my old analogy skills kicked in. i realized how fitting that event was for what a picture of fellowship looks like.
on the way to the rink, i remember numerous people who were either excited for a winter event to remind them of the coming holiday season, or super nervous at the prospect of having to step out onto ice with some blades strapped onto their feet. those who happily and confidently skated out onto the ice were a large contrast to those who clung to the walls and inched forward with as much determination as they could without embarassing themselves. while skating around just to get myself moving and not freeze to death, seeing various people help those struggling skaters really brought a smile to my face. i saw veteran ice skaters encourage the newbies and offer little bits of advice. i saw people who had just met supporting one another and assuring the newbie that they'll catch them if they fall. for those who were learning, the advice given were usually to look straight at something, and to have faith that in letting go of the hands of those supporting them, they would not fall. not only were people teaching other people the skating basics, there were also the pros who were teaching others how to skate backwards <YES! i learned a new skill!>. through the whole night, there were many moments of just picking up those had fallen, encouraging those who were struggling, and challenging those who were learning.
isn't it beautiful to see how God uses these moments to really give a clear picture of what a church or fellowship should look? where people of different walks help those who are struggling in their own faith with love, patience, and encouragment. where people challenge each other to take the next step and keep their eyes focused straight ahead on the goal of Christ. how wonderful it was for God to really show me how He uses random events such as this to glorify Him.
let's go skating again!! :)
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| 1"Come, let us return to the LORD;
for He has torn us, that He may heal us;
He has struck us down, and He will bind us up.
2After two days He will revive us;
on the third day He will raise us up,
that we may live before Him.
3 Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD;
His going out is sure as the dawn;
He will come to us as the showers,
as the spring rains that water the earth."
- hosea 6:1-3
"Love Break Me"
Mark me with Your grace,shape me in Your wisdom Place in me a heart of mercy
Open up my eyes, let me see Your glory Lead me to the place,You want me
Love, break me now Strip me down may Your beauty Deep inside of me resound Through me be found,Come break me now
Guide me in Your truth, mold me in Your nature Birth in me a hope,to hold on Show me how to wait,teach me how to listen Be in me the strength, to let go
Break me now...
Love, hear my plea Rescue me, bring Your peace I have come to You on bended knee I'm desperate for Your breath in me Your ears to hear, Your eyes to see Set me free, come set me free Like rain flowing over me...
Lord continue to break me. break me of my own sinfulness, my complacency, break me of my pride and my tendency to neglect the gospel. break me of my insecurities, break me from the lies of Satan telling me that i'm pathetic and worth nothing and that i have to work so hard to prove myself. break me from my temptation to throw my faith away, letting doubts and my own intellect take control. help me continue to push on to know You more, to know Your character more even if i don't fully understand everything. i plead for You to break me, love me, and eventually restore me once more.
"the irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need Go d but don't really want Him most of the time." - crazy love
some cute pics to make this emo-free :D
even turtles are in awe of God's amazing ridiculously crazy love :)
and the big big God that we worship can still love the little tiny us <3
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| why am i sitting in a computer lab and staring off into space instead of doing something productive with this time? oh yeah..because i'm going to be on campus for a total of 12 hours today. whoop de doo. i hate that i'm becoming so negative lately. i tend to have that attitude when things aren't as ideal as i'd like them to be. but i also realized yesterday that i'm slowly starting to believe in myself less and less. it seems i can never reach the expectations that people place on me...that i fail again and again and the sorries and apologizing amount to nothing. am i that incapable of changing myself to become more considerate, selfless, and more humble? has my ability to form and invest in relationships vanished completely? it seems the more i try to "balance" everything, the more certain things get neglected. heh...even studying and isolating myself in order to focus more on school hasn't gotten me anywhere. the times i've rested just made me get really lazy and selfish. finding time to spend with those important to me is rare, but when i finally have the time they end up getting wasted on stupid meaningless things. emotionally i've been so up and down that i've told multiple people to really pray for my emotional stability. i don't want my emotional wellbeing to be dependent on things that are only going to be temporary. it's so easy to talk about the gospel everyday and how it should motivate and push you each and every moment, but it's so hard to really wrap your mind around that...to transcend beyond the soul-crushing thoughts and worries that we humans innately have. the past week i've been wanting to blog something inspirational, something fascinating God showed me and taught me about Himself but even those revelations and joyous epiphanies are being overshadowed by my own internal turbulence.... how did i even get to this point? | | |
| the past few weeks so far being back in school has been a total struggle. everyday would result in arguments with eric about how i'm balancing my time and priorities..but most importantly how i've been neglecting my most important relationships in my life. no mattei how hard i tried to make an effort to improve in those areas, my selfishness and pride would take over and would push away those concerns. i knew that something was wrong however, because i soon realized that i seemed like a split-person. i knew deep inside that my heart was not aligning to my actions or words, but no matter how hard i tried i couldn't make the two connect again. my relationship with God was suffering because i lacked the energy and commitment to actively spend time with Him, and although i was already called out on the fact that this would affect every other aspect of my life including ministry, i refused to listen.
so because i decided to plug my ears and be the usual stubborn self that i am, God smacked me pretty hard in the head this past week.
the message at AACF was based on the prodigal son. we all know that story...but what was interesting was the fact that the speaker focused more on the older son. i remember in sunday school when we'd mostly talk about the younger one, but rarely or briefly talk about the older one. the speaker said that what separates us from God isn't just our sin, but also our damnable righteousness...the default human idea that we need to do something to make things right. that our own works and efforts will even out the score. the younger son was an obvious sinner, living a reckless pleasure-loving life that made himself his own god, but the older son was also doing the same thing by living a "good" and "moral" life...meaning his legalism was the thing that motivated him to obey and serve his father..not his love for Him. when Jesus said that the most important commandment is to love God with your heart, soul, and might, it really meant love God with your intentions and motivations.
the scary thing is that it's hard to catch when someone is backsliding legalistically. they can seem more prayerful, more involved in ministry, more passionate for the church...but it's all about performance and doing the right things. the speaker noted that christianity isn't just about repenting of our sin, but also our own righteousness...our self righteousness that blocks us from every seeing our actual state of sinfulness and brokenness which only God's grace can heal and restore. we were given five signs of legalistic backsliding, and every single one of them struck like an arrow to my chest.
1. you get frustrated and easily discouraged when things don't go your way. in your failures you either hate yourself, hate others, or hate God.
2. there is mechanical joy-less obedience in your christian life. there's always a fear of burning out and the need to show external obedience
3. you have a lack of assurance of the Father's love and a lack of intimacy with Him. you live with a schizophrenic perspective where you bounce between self-condemnation and boasting.
4. you easily hold grudges because it's hard for you to forgive others when you're having trouble showing grace to yourself. your heart is full of bitterness and resentment, while always internally calculating how much others are doing for you.
5. your christian life is reduced to what you do and what you don't do. if you don't do your quiet time you feel out of place and unable to worship. when you do them you feel pride in the fact that you're consistent in your spiritual disciplines. instead of a relationship, it is reduced to works and you're deaf to God's question: DO YOU LOVE ME?
i saw myself in every single one of these points. i recognized the self-condemnation of myself, the inability to accept God's grace, my internal boasting at having done the right things, the weighing of how others can serve or see me, the bitterness and anger harbored in my heart. all these things dawned on me and God revealed to me why i was struggling so much with just going through the motions..why i felt so separated from Him and from my other relationships.
even in these convictions it's easy to think...oh man. i need to work harder, i need to do more devotions, i need to serve with a better attitude. but once again i feel like God's bringing up that lesson i learned in Uganda..that i shouldn't be too focused on the DOING but on the BEING.
even though i am the older son, my response should be that of the younger one.
that all i need to do is BE there as He sees me coming back home and runs towards me with His arms open wide.
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